He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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