new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
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