I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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