We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
