I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
