I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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