I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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