dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
