I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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