I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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