both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
