he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
