How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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