quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
