im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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