Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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