Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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