Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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