I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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