Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
