Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
