i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
All I want is dick and wine.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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