i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
