Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
