You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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