Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
