Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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