so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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