oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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