sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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