you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
