Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
