Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
