Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
