sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
me + whiskey = a bad person
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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