Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't think brook has ever known best
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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