I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
