I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
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