dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
