This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
