You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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