Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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