Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
