I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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