Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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