fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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