So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
