Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
