If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
