Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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