Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
