Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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