I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
