Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
